Friday, February 28, 2003

armchair activism. i've added a new weblog because the other things i wanted to write about don't seem to fit with everything i've written so far, and free blogspot hosting only allows one page (and no graphics!). so, just click on the link to read!

Thursday, February 27, 2003

buena vista club. one positive thing that came out of the puerto galera trip was that i discovered the buena vista social club!!!! there's no describing the beautiful cuban gotta hear it to believe it! i'm playing it now, and i can't help but sway my body..hehehe. i've been hunting for the cd, but so far no dice..gotta content myself with a couple of songs from blubster.

feeling...soiled. strange that a couple of days from the ordeal, i would feel somewhat...dirty. i don't know why or how. it just felt like i was corrupted somehow. i suppose, its yet another veil of 'innocence' (call it what you will) taken off of my eyes. are human beings really so devious? so...not like me? :-) how i worry. i'm afraid i don't have enough defenses for all those mean people out there. who does? thats why, even now...i resent accusations thrown at me a few weeks back. i've been told i stereotype people. how could that be?? the minute i meet someone, i don't have preconceived notions about them. i certainly don't make assumptions about their character when i know absolutely nada about them.

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

solaris. strange movie. it seemed, almost pretentious in trying to....have some sort of philosophical moral about what it means to be, what life is. or some shit like that. matrix did a better job in that category, i think. can't wait for the sequel. hell, i should've bought another movie!!
a great many things one learns about oneself.i've always thought that something was inherently wrong with me, when dealing with other people. i've always been more self-critical than critical of others. what that means on the deeper level, im not sure. does it mean that im insecure? maybe so. in some aspects i still have a lot of self-doubt. like, i think i always sell myself short. i doubt my own abilities at...say, school work. or how others might view me even. until the events of the past weekend, i hadn't thought that...hey, others are much more screwed up, and how badly they treat me isn't necessarily a reflection of who i am.

the teacher. for this story to make sense, i first have to talk about the teacher. well, let's just call him that. i am seldom genuinely impressed by other people. but teacher has. he's easily the best professor i've met. he's generous as an educator and would really inspire a student to study more about the subject. for someone so smart, you can imagine my surprise when upon discovering that underneath the...veneer (?) of intelligence and uniqueness, theres a generous amount of shallow, petty-mindedness.

events in puerto galera. granted, i am quite sensitive. once i cry, and i havent in a long time, its quite difficult to stop. in the middle of the sobs and hiccups, mostly, when i am crying, im extremely upset at myself for what i see to be a major weakness of mine. but anyway, what i hate most is for people to make assumptions about me that are baseless. how can you assume a person to be like this or that without knowing anything about them?!? well, teacher has made such assumptions. he assumed, that since i seem to be the only one in his class who can actually make sense of what he teaches, and am not shy to actively participate, that i am a genius of some sort. faaaarr from it. i know im not stupid, but a genius i am not.

so, teacher thinks im a recluse nerd of some sort. he has in the past alluded to my being "laid back" for not having a job like the rest of them mortals. what i resented the most, was the implication that i was lazy, owing to the fact that my parents had money. now i dont know if that was really what he meant, or he was just being his sarcastic, british self. who knows? but, back to the story, i literally fought not to cry, after the attack that was made on my person. but i couldn't hold it. i never have. so, i excused myself from the table, and went to the washroom to cry. over and over in my head, the words "this was a mistake, you shouldn't have come" kept repeating over and over. it took a long time for me to compose myself, i stayed in there for 10-15 minutes i think.

i know my limits. if we hadn't been 4 hours away by boat and car from manila, i would've left by myself. but what teacher said to me wasn't what made me lose respect for him, this professor that i so admired. it was what he said and did afterward, and the rest of the trip. tell me, if you were considered someone a friend, would you talk behind her back? criticize her when she's not around? make disparaging remarks about her character? what kind of friend does that make you? well....teacher did those things behind his supposed friend's back. lets call her sappho.

maybe, teacher was jealous because sappho had her girlfriend with her, and theirs being a new relationship, they often went on their own, wanting some alone time. maybe, teacher isnt used to not being the center of attention. so, he and his other friend, lets call her christine kept harping on about the "issue" of sappho and her girlfriend wanting alone time together.

trust. i don't find it easy to make friends. maybe because i dont trust people easily. in a way, i took a risk going to this trip. because as i said, i didn't know these people well. but i was expecting....i dont know, that we had enough common ground to have something meaningful to talk about. i wasn't expecting deep, soul and mind searching conversation, but i wasn't expecting non-stimulating childish banter either. definitely no baby talk...but there was plenty of that. baby talk from a woman in her mid-twenties and a man past forty. the last time someone made parinig to me was when i was in gradeschool. parinig meaning...well, somebody saying something rude and hurtful about you within earshot. an indirect insult if you will. the last person i had expected to hear it from was a highly intelligent, 'free-spirited' university professor.

...this story is like whats happening to us...a strange girl with even stranger problems. in quite the most disdainful voice i now believe my first impression about him. no straight man could possibly deliver so much acid, so much...disdain (the only word i can think of right now that fully describes what he said) in a few words. which he repeated twice in case i hadn't heard.

i was sorely tempted to talk back. to respond, but i restrained myself. as it was, i was a newcomer in the group. if had said something, it would've ruined everyone else's fun. but after that event, i and everyone else, pretended nothing happened. but nothing teacher could ever do or say would regain the respect so few have managed to gain from me.

lessons learned?!? so, nobody is perfect. everyone has issues. including mature people you would otherwise think was above reproach. but yes, highly educated, extremely intelligent and gifted professors have their weaknesses. they can be rude and sarcastic and incredibly petty also. but who knew? i thought i'd met someone worthy of being admired, someone whose intellect shone equally bright as his generosity. but yes, appearances fool.

Saturday, February 22, 2003

in puerto galera. of all places to find an internet connection...dang!! i certainly didn't expect one here, or...a satellite tv for that matter...let me say again....dang!!!! anyway, the day has been eventful to say the least....a lot i learned about myself and other people in a span of 12 hours. however, this is not the place and time to expound on this...interesting lil bit of information...hehehehe....til later.

Friday, February 21, 2003

discrimination. why is it when people know you're...well off, they start treating you as though you had some sort of incurable disease? they immediately assume you behave a certain way, affect certain posturings and such and have a 'stereotypical rich-kid' outlook in life? i should be the last person to be accused of being a stereotype. contrary to young people in the same socio-economic situation as i am, i happen to know the value of money. i know it doesn't grow on trees and that my parents, specifically my mother, works very hard for it. it probably helps that both my mother and father were poor growing up. in fact, i think i coudln't possibly develop the very things i admire about my mom in particular...her mental toughness and ambition, because i've led a much more sheltered life than hers. or am i just being overly sensitive? am i imagining things, imagine that my peers treat me differently that is, given the more...well, anti-bourgeois tradition of my university?

leaving for puerto galera. well, i guess they'll have to know more about me tomorrow...coz we leave early in the morning!!! i am so psyched (is that how you spell it?). its just that i've never been. dorsal fins please...unless they're bobbing in an up and down manner. i come!....wooooohooooo!!!!!!!
vacation. im goint to puerto galera this weekend. im excited but anxious at the same time. i've never been, and the people i'm going with i don't really know very well. this would be my first vacation with neither family or close friends. my head is filled with images of sharp teeth and dorsal fins...hehehe. mindoro waters are supposedly infested with sharks and tricky waters. maybe i've seen too much shark files on the national geographic. but really...i hope all goes well. i should be back monday lunch time.

he hasn't written me back yet. probably hopping mad at me. who wouldn't? what's the worst thing you can do to a guy? not trust him right? well, i pretty much said that. that i doubt his word. how could i not? if his words say he loves me but his actions don't, what am i supposed to think? i think i've come to a point where i don't secretly hope we could work things out somehow. there's too many hurtful words that's been said between us. and i dont think neither one of us wants to take a leap of faith anymore. i do love him, but how could i settle for less than he's willing to give? i've tried before and i ended up being a nagging miserable person. i want more.

Thursday, February 20, 2003

when you're young and on your way to becoming someone...more than who you are at the moment, doesnt it always seem so scary, how your future lays ahead of you, obscured by the cloud of self-doubt and uncertainty. that's how it all seems to me these days. what to do with my life? which path to take? i wonder if people my age have the same difficulty in choosing who to be. who do i want to be? what do i want in life? too bad college doesn't teach you things like that.

i wonder if i'll remain here, paralyzed by indecision. i hope, not for long. why am i waiting for some sign, some indication to drop on my lap? heaven-sent? a clue to point me in the right direction. which way to go? i think, above it all, im only afraid of making mistakes, of choosing wrongly, of letting myself down, of not meeting my own expectations. why has it been so difficult to try and map out my life?

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

well, this is my first, i suppose that means i should make it somewhat...meaningful? interesting? something to..keep the reader reading? kind of difficult to post anything that would interest...some random person sitting in front of her computer, from some random part of the world. well, what to share? what to...reveal of myself to a host of strangers? what to talk about....

difficult to think when your back is hurting. mine is. apparently, i have some form of mild scoliosis. which might be causing the sharp pain in my upper back. i've been to the doctor, and he said its just muscle strain and i shouldnt worry about my spine...but, it appears my spine is still causing me pain, even after 2 weeks (or more i believe).

aside from something to whine about, what else is there to say? well, im breaking my heart all over again. but, ill talk about that in the morning.