More on Writing

English was almost always reserved for more cognitive tasks. Tagalog is for the deepest emotions - love, rage, sorrow. But since 2013, when I started writing my thesis - obviously written entirely in English, I felt as much as I thought. I wrote that thesis in a lot of pain. I used to cry. In 2018, as I meditate on a paper I intend to submit soon, I cry. I wanted to ask the people in the room last Friday, if any of them ever cried while writing?

Wow

Hello neglected blog. It's been two years! Waaaa!!!

Like Mom

I don't know how I can get to be more like my mother. She is, borrowing from the wise words of D, the hero in her story. The chips have long been down, but my mother has no patience to indulge in self-pity. She has accomplished much in her lifetime, but I have a feeling her strong sense of self, has come from when she was very young. She has no qualms about holding court, when need be, no hesitance to be the centre of attention. I have been told otherwise, I suppose I can't help that I have presence, but I never like being the centre of attention. At least, not when I am teaching.

Confused

You want me, but on your own terms. I can't have you on mine. You want me, but at a distance. You keep me at arms length, but won't let go. You were threatened last night, when I told you I felt different, that something had changed. But you're not ready for this to end. You said you were happy with how things are. I tried to resist sleeping with you. But I didn't put much of an effort. You were smug, afterwards. Yes, we still have it. There will always be sexual attraction. But it doesn't feel as intense. Because I feel different. We will have a month together, sharing the same space. I don't know what will happen then. Maybe it will be a time of transition, after which we will be ready to go our separate ways.

Love on a Sunday

We spoke for three hours yesterday. I hadn't realised it took us that long to muddle through. Well, there was that thirty minute pause to make love. It was the most adult thing I had ever done in a romantic relationship. To muddle through, together. We haven't reached a solution. And if I were to play cost-benefit analysis I am at the losing end of this, however one may look at it. I woke up at 3AM thinking exactly that. We are supposed to go on a break this week - where you figure out whether you could live your life without me. If you could, then you said you would appeal to my greater self for us to remain friends. If you could not, then we would maintain the status quo - a relationship for all intents and purposes, but without any guarantees. I rebelled at the thought, laying there on your couch - looking out at the orange-lit harbour. I felt a need to open the window, to look out, to feel the wind on my face. You woke up, sensing my absence. Asking me what I was doing. I wanted for you to come get me - and you did. You always do. And as we lay back on your bed, I look at you and your little-boy face, restful. I knew than that I loved you. And for the first time in my life, I was at peace with the thought of simply giving, without condition, wanting and expecting nothing in return. I thought then that I loved you and that I wanted you to live.

And then I thought about how you held me on your couch, your gentle voice. I thought about how you reheated me dinner and served me on a plate. The countless times you put your arms around me. How you put on the AC and the blanket on me as I fell asleep. The first time you did that - the first time I slept over. How your head would lean into my hand when I stroked your hair or face. How you sat there looking over reports while I picked dandruff scales from your scalp. I lay there looking at you, snoring. I thought then that I loved you, no matter what. So this week you will figure out your stuff. And I will finish my thesis. And I shall see you on Sunday.

Another Impasse

We may be pushing each other's limits. For now, a reprieve. I may go home after all of this is done. There is no reason for me to stay. I do not think he will stop me. I am a temporary shelter in his storm. Once it eases up, he should be able to move in. I am sad and this is delaying the inevitable. I will finish my thesis, and perhaps, be finished with him.

Public/Private Beings

- From Anti-Social Family, Michele Barrett and Mary McIntosh

Been thinking about this, after a conversation with D, who says he has to put on a different persona at work. Asshole in the office, puppydog at home. Why can't we all be puppydogs regardless of the space we inhabit? Why do we have to be cutthroat at work? Why must we expect to have our emotional needs met only in the privacy of our homes?

Peas in a Pod

Why did you call, you fucker? Despite the communications embargo? Disturbing my equilibrium. Rational? Logical? You're no more rational nor logical than me. We're exactly alike, you and I. Something urgent, you said. I thought it was some emergency. But you called just to say you now know what I meant last night and that you miss me. Fuck you, asshole. And I love you.

A Man to Follow

I had never really ever been with someone who I could look up to. All my serious relationships have been with men whom I inevitably led, who followed me. This may be because this was the dynamic in the earliest relationship I have ever witnessed - my parents'. Mom led, dad followed. I asked for you, that fine Saturday in IKEA. I summoned you from the ether, and you came, the day after, exactly as specified except for one single detail. I needed a man to follow, someone to devote myself to, to submit to. Someone I could respect. And then of course, there is the thing that complicates the scenario to ensure that you trigger the warrioress/saviour in me. It's the perfect recipe, really. So much so it could only have been engineered by the randomness of the cosmos.

The other day I found out your  wife passed because of a flu - no doubt her body, weakened from the transplant, could not cope. You spoke about it with me for the first time the other day. Is it not another very strange incident that I got sick with what I thought was the flu (but turned out to be a viral infection) on the very day that we had decided to meet in person? I was literally burning with fever the first time we laid eyes on each other. This might explain why you insisted on seeing me every day, that week. It was as if the heavens gave you another chance. This time, you saved the one with the flu.

You passed every test, thus far. And I don't know why I keep putting you through them. A knight has to have a damsel to save I suppose. But you're slaying my dragons, one by one. The strength in that heart of yours, that beating heart of yours. Everyday I am in awe.

Caring

In the toilet while brushing, D. hovers behind me...

Him: *Asking a whole bunch of questions about how my Sunday is going to go*
Me: You're being weird.
Him: How am I being weird?
Me: Why are you asking these questions?
Him: I'm showing interest in what you do. Not doing that is weird.
Me: *stoic face...brush brush...melting inside...love love love*

A hint of something

I seem to be going retro. Its the only reason why I have conflicted feelings when you display these little hints of something. You clearly like to boss people and in your subtle and sometimes not so subtle way have them do what you want. You've tried this with me a few times, and each time of course you would get the typical response from a female whom no one bosses around. I think you realised you couldn't do this last Monday when you were hinting at wanting me in Vivo by 7, when I told you I could only arrive at 7.30 at the latest. You called at 6.48, checking whether I had already left. And of course you got an ear and an eyeful. It wasn't my fault I couldn't make it on time, after all. I would hate to call it power games because that sounds so inappropriately harsh, so let me call it the tug to and fro of two dominant personalities. You do or say something to ruffle my feathers, sometimes I think on purpose, because you clearly enjoy the fight. You have said as much, twice. You like these little tussles. And clearly like the make-up sex even more. What you are particularly good at, and something you probably enjoy, is metaphorically wrestling me down to a point where I stop my emotional somersaults. How funny is it then that you told me Thursday morning that I provide you stability?

Yesterday was another day where I see both your vulnerability and strength. You nearly cried in the cinema, watching a scene where a man sees his wife pass away on a hospital bed. And later after the movie, two unexpected things. First was when we were walking along this narrow strip of pavement, looking for a bus stop. I was wearing heels and I stumbled, nearly falling on the road. I had not expected you to notice because you were walking ahead, there was J and there was me taking the flank. You came back to me and asked if I was alright, and I said I was fine, then walked behind me for a bit before giving up on the bus stop search and deciding to hail a cab. I am not used to not being the one who does navigating like this. It is refreshing to not have to think and just follow your lead. It is even more refreshing to have someone acting all protective. Again, this is a novel feeling. I am a big girl and have never felt a need to be the recipient of any protecting.

The cabbie was curt and increasingly rude as we made our way back to your apartment building. I would hazard a guess it has to do with racism. I was stroking your thigh and teasing you about Maxwell Food Centre when the cabbie missed a turn when you and J had already said for him to make it. The cabbie raised his voice and said something I cannot now recall. You responded in equal measure, in a tone of voice I had never heard you speak before. Your usual calm, even-keeled and civil manner gave way to some serious hackle raising, daring the other to take you on. And the way you said it too, and what you said, was just enough to make the cabbie tuck his tail between his legs without crossing the boundary of losing your cool, or saying anything crass. It scared me a bit, so much so I realised later that I took my hand off your thigh. When it was clear the cabbie would not say anything further, I reached over again and lightly stroked you, calming you down.

Afterwards on the couch as we snuggled and talked, waiting for J's meal, I told you you scared me a bit. You said why, I would never do that to you. J also heard and said you were a bit much. Like I said, I must be going retro because the brief display of pronounced masculinity may have momentarily scared me but also gave me an illicit thrill. I would imagine it is how one would feel if one had a near-miss encounter with a lightning bolt - equal parts fear and exhilaration. One moment you were hurt and nearly in tears, then you were protective, then you pushed back against someone whom you thought was treating you unfairly, to finally resting in your default mode with me - little boy eager, loving and horny.

Making live

You were visually and audibly upset. It's as if someone had punched you in the gut. We watched death unfold in front of us in the cinema, a husband's anguish as his wife passes away before his eyes. I sat there, impotent. All I could do was stroke your arm, your chest. I did the best I could to comfort you after, sitting on your couch, touching each other as we sat waiting for J to finish cooking his latest masterpiece. I stroked your face, your nape, your hair. I kissed your arm. You reached for me over and over, stealing kisses when we thought J wasn't looking, or when he went into the toilet. Much later, watching your hands roam over my breasts, I remembered I had forgotten to buy protection. I toyed with the idea, not for the first time, of having you come inside me. Death creates this instinct, I suppose, an instinct to make life. But first, I have to make you live.

The L Word

You said it glibly, spontaneously, a "spur of the moment thing." I don't know why you said it. Maybe you were genuinely happy. I felt strange about it. I told you not to say these things unless you meant them. You said yes, "but I really like you." Did I force your hand that you felt a need to say it? Was it because you were afraid I would hie up and leave?

Inevitably

So many things you said last night. This word is the one I will remember. You said you didn't mean it, or you didn't use the correct word. It was when I asked you what I could possibly do to hurt you. You asked me the same. I said if you betrayed me, if you proved me right all along, that you were not an exception. What I could do to hurt you, you said was if we broke up. That was inevitable, you said. And of course there I was, heart on my sleeve, aghast. Did that mean you meant for this to be temporary from day one? If our break-up is 'inevitable.' I have been telling you all this time, we went through this the wrong way. That it was very emotional from day one. That I went all out. Maybe even you - what you are capable of giving, at this juncture in your recovery, you also gave - without question. But then as I sat crying, you took it back. And again you said you didn't use that word. Repeatedly you denied. And then when I said I didn't hear wrong, you said you didn't mean it, if you had said it.

On the one hand you said something else the other day, in your rush to reassure me because of another unintended hurt, because I am so over-sensitive these days, you said 'I adore you' and then quickly corrected yourself and said 'I adore how you look.' Is it your unconscious, I wonder. On the one hand you say - one day at a time. On the other maybe you expect an end? Or, you are afraid to hope to see beyond what we have now because, as you said, you don't know what kind of person you will be a year or two from now?

You said your core beliefs are forever shaken, that you always thought you could care for your late wife, but in the end you could not. Who are you, after all these past eight years, but her husband? And now that she is gone - what is left of you? You said you were broken. It is the first I had ever heard you say. You're rebuilding yourself, and your life.

And then you did the unexpected. You said that I would never know what it means to you that I am part of your healing process, that I am important. You said you were not asking for pity or empathy. This was why you could never treat our relationship as a frivolity, that it is mere distraction. You were earnest then, glassy-eyed. I thought you would cry. I had never seen you like so - open and vulnerable. When we made our way to the MRT I was loathe to part and suggested you take me home with you. For the nth time we broke our so-called attempts at abstinence. It was perfect though, even the debate with J about murdering people in Pakistan. In your bathroom, you wrapped your arms around me as I brushed my teeth with your worn-out toothbrush. I was struck by how pale I looked, next to you. But we looked right together, I thought. We looked in love. The sex was not it has ever been before. For the first time, it was tender.

An impasse

You lay on the bed, last night, patiently waiting for me to settle down. I told you numerous times to leave me, to leave. You stayed. Your courage is highly commended, despite you being scared, as you said. It was an evening of tumult. From when I picked up on your frustrated Friday afternoon mood to you arriving over an hour later than expected. I was discontent. The discontent was not just from the brief meeting as such, it was from a need that as yet cannot be fulfilled. I don't know why I cried like so. I cried for the tears you cannot shed. I cried for me. And then I told you I was in love with you, you idiot. The look on your face was priceless - a mix of dread and confusion, like it took you some time to fully comprehend what was said, but you knew that whatever it was was trouble. And then you stood, your tall and lanky frame framed by the light from the bathroom. You came to me, standing against the wall. You said give me a hug. You put your arms around me, kissed my temple. Then you framed my face between your hands, kissed me softly, rubbed your nose against mine. Instantly the tumult is gone and I felt calm.