Friday, May 23, 2008

No Ending

Dear Me,

The world isn't ending tonight. Even though you might feel like it. Some day you will look back at this and laugh. How silly you were. How silly it all was. Time tends to make everything trivial. Even though at this moment it feels incredibly important. Like life depended on it. Remember your philosophy in life: "This too shall pass." History is funny that way. What is unfolding at present becomes an anecodote, a story to pass onto your children. Your children's children.

Do you regret what you have done? Maybe. To forgo this pain. But isn't that what makes life worth living? These little hiccups? So you know you're not living a flatline. So you know life has meaning. That its not one mundane little thing after another. That its not Event A, then Event B, then Event C. You don't like drama. Who likes drama? This is reality folks. All of this is REAL. How can he discount that? How can he sweep it all aside? But then what does he know? He's just a child himself. You're a grown woman. 28 in three weeks. What have you learned in life? That you can survive anything. That you're not afraid of pain. You knew this when you started it. You knew for chrissakes.

You are on this path on your own. He can't help. He only has space for himself. To get over his shit. Wake up sparks. Wake up. Life is waiting. Responsibilities. Other people counting on you. You have to wake up. Now finish that last cigarette. And the bottle of wine. When you wake up in the morning, the world will be right again.

4 comments:

stuart-santiago said...

take it from me who's been around twice longer than you. don't regret. whatever it is/was, it was meant. if not in that particular fashion and with that particular cast of character/s, then in another fashion and different characters, but with the same joys and pains and ending, just because there's a lesson/ there are lessons to learn about yourself. 28 is a good year to look back and see the patterns that have unfolded in your life. the pattern when it comes to love, to money, to friends, to work, to family, what works what doesnt who's true who's not how often how rare. these patterns continue to be at work, but this time, knowing now what you know about yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, the karmic patterns, you can deliberately break away, create new patterns, by changing your reactions, trying new ways of doing or feeling or thinking about things, para hindi paulit-ulit. think not in terms of beginnings middle endings as in vicious cycles but of spirals,open-ended, and moving up a level at a time, new lessons each time, pero at least at best me improvement. kung dati you felt stuck with a certain type of romantic partner na deadend naman, on a higher cycle you might feel stuck with certain types na hindi nga deadend pero dedma naman? whats important is how you deal with it and how you learn from it so next time you actually handle things differently. and because you do, things happen differently too. and youre right, this too will pass, time is truly a healer.

sparks said...

s-s,

thanks for the kind words. i cringe that i wrote this post. haha, but i promised myself not to delete what i write. my stay in australia has definitely changed me in some ways, but in some i remain the same. one thing that won't change is, i am usually very good at evaluating what i want in my life. it is clear what i don't and don't like...so i don't make the same mistakes (i think!). thanks again for commenting. i appreciate it. :)

stuart-santiago said...

i cringe at how long my comment was. haha. had just been saying the same thing to the daughter of a friend whose birthchart i used to read in my past life as astrologer ;)

Javier said...

Great post