Tuesday, June 24, 2003

this afternoon, sitting there contently sipping my vanilla latte and muddling through readings on developing countries, i was rudely reminded of dreams. my dreams from years back, eons ago it seems. lofty dreams that came to me in short episodes, urging me to continue on this path.

i'd almost forgotten. the ordinariness of every day, the daily drudgery, keeps visions short. dreams tend to linger in the horizon, just a bit out of reach....

i don't know how she got in, the lady with the small child in her arms. most likely at the side of the building. she came up to me and said "ate, pambili lang ng gamot." (ate=term used to call an older sister, some money to buy medicine). i am ashamed, because i didn't look at her too long. a mere glance took in her general appearance. she could have been 20 or 35. and the boy she carried was asleep. it was too painful to look at them. and the din of young people, like me, sitting and talking, the ambiant music, the expensive smell of caffeine, suddenly seemed too loud.

poverty is an abstraction, easy to ignore, until of course, it runs right smack to your face. i gave her 20 pesos, and i said "kung makita kayo nung guard pagagalitan kayo" (if the guard sees you you'll get into trouble). she said thank you, and went on to the next table. i looked down at my almost empty cup of coffee that cost me 110 pesos.

and so, i am reminded of my aspirations from years ago. lofty ideals of changing the world. how, where, when, i have no clue. have i aged so much that i've forgotten? have i been losing my ideals, my messianic dreams. have i been calling them delusions lately. is this the path to heaven?

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

im a heretic...why am i not surprised??

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very High
Level 7 (Violent)High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Monday, June 16, 2003

this blog is a cry for help. its the last resort before i drive myself insane. from everything, from feelings, from my personal dramas and turmoil. this blog is a release.

im afraid im an addict for emotional pain. why do i keep seeking it? why do i keep seeking out no-future relationships? is it because subconsciously i know it wont work out anyway, so in the end, im still safe? regardless of me beating myself up, regardless of the wasted time, regardless of the drama...is it worth it?

they say loving someone is the ultimate expression of loving yourself. its loving yourself through someone else's eyes. have i truly ever loved? have i loved unselfishly? because i feel im a selfish person. if i havent truly loved someone else...then i must've never truly loved me. why am i so unforgiving? do i feel i dont deserve to be happy? im sick of being alone. and im sick of running around afraid to have my heart broken. im sick of me breaking my heart first before someobody else does.

Thursday, June 12, 2003

i'm 23 today. happy birthday to me....

Sunday, June 08, 2003

with just a few words, a few minutes exchanged over the telephone, my father manages to hurt me, piss me off, and bring me down all in one fell swoop. my father is an asshole. he's insecure, he thinks so little of himself he feels everyone, even his very own child thinks even smaller of him. in this case, because he made it so, she does. what parent is never proud of his child's achievements? what parent manages to bring down his child's carefree outlook?

he is like an open wound, an incurable disease that won't go away, won't heal. how should i forgive? when he hasn't asked for forgiveness? when he continues to hurt not only myself, but my brother and mom as well?

what else is left when the love and respect is gone for your father? nothing.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

went to mon's birthday last night.the initial awkwardness waiting for the celebrant to arrive at the 'surprise' party was worth the look on mon's face when he opened my gift for him. it was just a lil thing...but i remember he loved gardening (and their lawn looks nice now), so i got him a gardening book! well, i hope he makes use of it.

i dont think the attraction for my first big infatuation will ever go away. maybe, it will always be there. fell for him really hard waaay back when i was a freshie. this is a loong story, and i will talk about it in future blogs. suffice it to say he was at mon's party last night, i saw him..i'll see him coz he's a good friend of my best friend. because we were close friends once...and i dumped him because at the time..i thought..i couldn't bear the hurt of wanting him and not be wanted in return. duh....the melodrama of a 17 year-old. tsk tsk

Sunday, June 01, 2003

Where is Raed ?

salam pax is back! i haven't been to this blog in a while. after salam's last entry back in march 24, i honestly didn't expect to hear from him again. this is definitely a nice surprise.
You are the Figher Femme

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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goddamit, its early sunday morning, nice and cool weather...i should be asleep in my comfy bed, but im up, tweaking my blog template. and i've been thinking of getting myself a digicam, an inexpensive one. if not, then a webcam might do. once i get my money on monday, i'll do some much needed shopping.

spent the evening with a couple of friends. let's call them lia and gene. we saw agent cody banks...i was thinking we should've seen tanging ina...but, since i was just saling-pusa, i really didn't have a choice on the matter. it was good seeing my best friend. we haven't seen each other in three weeks almost. she's been busy and so have i..but not for lack of trying. i've missed her.

man, i should be asleep. my bed awaits...
my fucking archives are missing yet again...