Wednesday, September 24, 2003

such a problematic relationship with teacher. it is complicated by the fact that he looks so much like my father. in so many ways, his personal attachment to his students cloud his actions, the things he says, the way he relates to us.

so he called me an airhead a few classes back. we were discussing military interventions, i wasn't particularly paying attention to his loooong and wiiiinding explications. my mind wandered off, and when he finished his monologue, i raised my hand to make a comment. which turned out to be somewhat like what he said, only i said it in one breath. obviously he was pissed. and called me that name in front of class, all of whom were mostly older than me.

i took it in stride i managed to stay composed. but i was hurt of course. and humiliated. he was acting like a complete jerk like only he can be. he made a few other side comments, equally as humiliating.

i didnt say much afterwards. i drove him back to his apartment as usual. the next class i didnt attend. that day i wasn't in any particular mood to take any more verbal attacks from him. last friday i did go to class. i was hesitant to open my mouth, but i did anyway. i made a comment before i talked about the issue at hand, about how ive been feeling intimidated by my other classmate's contributions.

i did it in part to give myself some sort of excuse in case he made another derogatory remark. something like, "let it be known that this is the airhead speaking. after i spoke he said he didn't know why i made that comment. i said, ive been finding the course difficult. he said, well its because you've been absent. i said, i've been having a hard time from the start.

we were bickering, right there in front of everyone. it was embarassing, but i didn't really mind. i said, id like to talk about it later. he mumbled something like he didn't want to talk about it.

during the break, i approached him to flesh things out. i dont know what happened, but i explained my side, crying. i told him i was hurt when he called me an airhead, and made other comments. he apologized, saying i should know he doesn't really think that, and that he didn't know those words escaped his mouth.

what could i do? he hugged me tight. i wanted to let go because our other classmates where probably 4 feet from us and heard the whole exchange. it looked like a lover's quarrel for crying out loud. and he kissed my forehead. god, i thought he would kiss me.

this is without doubt, a brilliant man. i would say he is the best professor i've ever worked with. but he is also a highly unpredictable, volatile man. that is why, im keeping my distance from him.

i just hope, people don't talk.

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