Sunday, September 07, 2003

i've had my share of astoundlingly stupid things i did. and last night takes the cake. fred came over because i pushed him to. i just wanted to see him and talk. we did, for the first couple of hours. on my bed of course, wit the u.s. open in the background.

i told him i will not make out with him. but maybe i wasn't forceful enough. maybe, i didn't really mean it? because i so wanted to hug him/touch him. and it feels so good when we kiss. the things he does to me. i don't have a problem with that. my problem is his reaction right after. because the last time, he pulled away from me. emotionally.

so last night i was prepared. maybe i wont hear from him in a few days. i got profuse apologies and regrets from him on text. i didn't respond. because i didn't regret it. i love this person. i think. why else am i risking so much because of him? why else did i let him have his way last night? because i wanted to get him off. because it felt good. because i care for him. but do i have the strength to not break when things go really downhill?

he says he cares for me and loves me as a friend. he says we probably shouldnt be in a place alone anymore because he can't help himself. are men mindless slaves to their lust? i wish i knew the answers. i wish i knew how he really felt for me. am i sending mixed signals? because that is all i get from him.

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