Monday, September 29, 2003

are women slaves to their hormones? i seem to be. my eyelids are swollen from crying the past two nights. and what do u know? my period came today. not that i've been crying for no apparent reason. but usually, im more able to control my emotions, and therefore lessen the pressure on my tear ducts.

i cried saturday night because i had to flesh out some building tensions with me and my brother. i have been telling him to cut back on energy consumption since june, ever since i started shouldering our utilities. its no secret how meralco (manila's electric provider cum consumer-robber) has been passing on to us clueless power consumers their own fucked up mismanagement and debts. anyway, friday night tensions between bro and me came to a head.

he was on the pc playing ragnarok and watching his anime vcd's from around 2pm til midnight. i left the house and he was on the pc. when i got back, he was still on. i asked him what time he and his gf would leave (he usually sleeps over at her place). i think months of me raggin on him to "magtipid ng kuryente" finally got to him. he left in a huff, leaving all the lights open downstairs. i didn't take it seriously. i confess, i often take my brother's drama for granted

saturday evening came the climax to this scenario. i spent the afternoon at my usual coffee house to work on my papers. my best friend was there with me to study for her cpa boards. we went back here to change and freshen up for a birthday party we were supposed to attend. my brother, as usual was on the pc. i didnt pay him any mind and quickly went upstairs. apparently, he was mouthing off to my friend and her boyfriend.

my brother took my 'nagging' in his usually oversensitive way. i admit, i feel saddled with a brother who is wasting away years playing network games and pretty much slacking off instead of building on his potentials and improving himself as a person. i have told him countless times i feel strongly about him not finishing college. he was enrolled in ust but he droppout out. he enrolled at st. joseph and dropped out. he has been in and out of different computer universities for the past 2 years. starting and stopping. wasting financial resources.

saturday night, after the birthday party, i confronted him. i asked him to speak first and tell me his hurts. true enough he said he felt i didn't respect him (he cited instances where he felt this was obvious). i told him how much i still believe in his potentials and how i defend him each time people say something disparaging about his character. i believe in my brother. if only he put his mind to what his does and stop drifting off and losing focus. i told him we aren't children anymore, and that we should take responsibility for our lives little by little. we are lucky in that we aren't forced out in the cruel world. that we still have the option of running to mommy. now that we only have one living parent, i told him how we should ease some of her burdens, us being one of them. the initiative wouldn't come from her. she would never ask us to start taking care of ourselves. she loves us that much. the initiative has to come from us, i said.

he said i could never do wrong in the eyes of everyone. i told him, i only try. and i do have insecurities, i have doubts about myself. i don't think im the paragon of virtues or whatever, far from it. i only implored him to try his best. if not for me or himself, then for our mom.

why i cried sunday night...i will write about tomorrow.

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