sunday lonely sunday. why are sundays the worst? why does it feel, especially today, as though i was the unloved, unwanted. by anyone, but also by myself. it hasn't been this bad in a long time. not ever. what popped into my head...i've been 'sheltered' these past two years. sheltered by being in love with one person, and being loved by him even though most of the time we were fighting and arguing. all that time, i was sheltered. from rejection, from the feeling of being unattractive and unwanted. for that, im greatful to jerome.
now, suddenly, im asking myself all these questions. am i attractive enough? more importantly, am i interesting enough? smart enough? why am i having this crisis? why now? now that im supposed to be older and therefore wiser? and then i ask myself, is there something wrong with me that i don't have a whole lot of friends? why am i asking now when i've always been content with the friends i can count on one hand.
today i almost felt like breaking out of my skin. i felt like doing something i've never done before...like fuck someone. damn. that i don't feel like myself lately is an understatement. maybe it was the high of last week, and the low of this one. maybe i'm on the downturn and can't quite recover. i'm suddenly so unsure of myself, so...discontent and restless and wanting. what is fucking wrong with me??????????