My first-ever blog entry (back when i, along with many other newbies, thought it was cool not to use capitals):
This blog also initially started as my rant machine:
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
well, this is my first blog...so, i suppose that means i should make it somewhat...meaningful? interesting? something to..keep the reader reading? kind of difficult to post anything that would interest...some random person sitting in front of her computer, from some random part of the world. well, what to share? what to...reveal of myself to a host of strangers? what to talk about....
difficult to think when your back is hurting. mine is. apparently, i have some form of mild scoliosis. which might be causing the sharp pain in my upper back. i've been to the doctor, and he said its just muscle strain and i shouldnt worry about my spine...but, it appears my spine is still causing me pain, even after 2 weeks (or more i believe).
aside from something to whine about, what else is there to say? well, im breaking my heart all over again. but, ill talk about that in the morning.
Friday, August 15, 2003...and a diary of my endless introspection:
dead inside you say. heartless you say. incapable of feeling you say. low emotional quotient you say. a classic emotionally retarded male.
a divorce occured in your psyche, in which the part of you that feels is switched off. whether voluntarily or not is debatable. the causes of such divorce might take some time to correctly identify and disentangle. and i am not in the position or frame of mind to do so for you. i have no rights. i have no obligations.
do you suffer the ill-effects of an unhappy childhood? have you learned to turn off that part of you that gets hurt each time you are rejected? is that it? or is it just because you're afraid? of what? of being hurt? we all get hurt. we all have our crosses to bear. we all bleed red.
don't you crave the feeling of closeness sometimes? don't you miss the feeling of belonging to something other than that world inhabited by one? is it worth it? are you happy living in your head? won't you venture out once in a while. being happy means taking risks. it means going out on a limb. it means reaching out and being reached in return. it means turning on those switches you've turned off.
why should you feel the highest of highs if you can't feel the lowest of lows? do you want a flatline? in the middle, seeing nothing. feeling nothing. open your mouth. say something.
Monday, March 17, 2003...It's also been a mute witness to severe pms-ing:
sitting at starbucks as usual. sitting here, alone with my thoughts which insist on wandering off instead of concentrating on what's in front of me, i find much dissatisfaction. with myself, as always. why can't i be happy? why do i always find something lacking, not quite right in my life? there are many things to be thankful for. but deep within, my thoughts ping-ponging in my head, there is much to be desired, much to be achieved, much left undone and i sit here, wishing i were more.
where shall i find self-satisfaction? if i keep seeking it within and yet always afraid to put thoughts into action, where shall i seek satisfaction? if i were to think less, let my other body parts work more, will i be more content? will i stop expecting so much from myself? will i stop being too self-critical? will i stop seeing myself as a failure so young? the luxury of a simpler mind. i feel almost trapped.
the luxury of wanting simpler things. the luxury of being 'shallow.' i do not like the road in which i travel. the path where i'm headed. someone, something, show me the way.
Monday, June 16, 2003....to religious crises:
this blog is a cry for help. its the last resort before i drive myself insane. from everything, from feelings, from my personal dramas and turmoil. this blog is a release.
im afraid im an addict for emotional pain. why do i keep seeking it? why do i keep seeking out no-future relationships? is it because subconsciously i know it wont work out anyway, so in the end, im still safe? regardless of me beating myself up, regardless of the wasted time, regardless of the drama...is it worth it?
they say loving someone is the ultimate expression of loving yourself. its loving yourself through someone else's eyes. have i truly ever loved? have i loved unselfishly? because i feel im a selfish person. if i havent truly loved someone else...then i must've never truly loved me. why am i so unforgiving? do i feel i dont deserve to be happy? im sick of being alone. and im sick of running around afraid to have my heart broken. im sick of me breaking my heart first before someobody else does.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003....and heartbreak:
god has a bone to pick with me. this year has been a lesson in humbling. and without question, i have been humbled. i think s/he's teaching me valuable lessons in giving and in patience. in forgiving also. question is, have i learned anything? wish the learning process weren't so painful.
my damned pride won't let me realize how puny i am as a human. how inconsequential, how irrelevant. my world of course, always revolves around me. but i like it that way. reaching out to other people only seems to cause pain. and an added distraction i can't really afford. but trying to unravel other people is addicting isn't it? and once the mystery is solved? it all seems to go downhill from there.
sometimes i wonder if my brain is even capable of attaining even the slightest bit of immateriality. but i am material, made of flesh and bones. the spiritual seems farfetched, and not quite of this world.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003So it has been two years of laughter, sorrow, triumphs and tragedies. What a journey. Looking forward to years more of the same, all documented on the fluid ether of this limitless cyberuniverse.
"mababaon din sa limot," o di kaya "maghihilom rin sa katagalan." sa pandinig parang kay hirap gawin. parang kay hirap limutin ang sakit na idinulot ng kay tagal. ngunit ang hindi alam ng kung sino man ang nagbibigay ng ganitong payo, at nang kung sino man ang makarinig, napakadali. napakadaling ipa-isantabi ang mga hinanakit upang ipagpaliban ang kagalingan.
halos dalawang taon ang lumipas na hindi ko halos s'ya nakita o nakausap. simple lang, umalis ako sa bahay ng walang paalam. ang iniisip ko ng mga panahong iyon? ayaw ko nang umabot sa pagkakataong masagot ko s'ya nang pabalang. tama na ang isang beses na akala ko'y pagbubuhatan n'ya ako ng kamay. umalis na ako sa bahay na 'di na magpang-abot ang aming galit.
halos dalawang taon. noong una'y hindi n'ya alam kung saan man kami ng aking kapatid. sa katagalan malamang ay tinanong n'ya rin kay mama. ngunit di s'ya tumawag. di n'ya ako inusisa kung bakit. marahil, nainintindihan n'ya ang mga dahilan. marahil, ayaw n'ya nang marinig.
malinaw sa aking alaala ang huling pagkakataong s'ya'y aking nakita. nakaupo ako sa harap ng computer. madaliang tinatapos ang report ko para sa klase kinabukasan. di ko namalayang pumasok s'ya sa pinto ng sala. bago pa noon, marahil ilang buwan na rin ang nagdaan na di kami nagkita. nagulat ako. napatda. ganoon din s'ya. tila umagos ang panahon ngunit sa katunaya'y ilang segundo lamang ang lumaro sa pagitan namin. ilang segundo ng katahimikan. napansin kong para s'yang tumanda ng ilang taon. at bakas sa kanyang mukha ang bawat isa sa mga ito. malumanay ang kanyang mata, na para bang may takot. bakit s'ya natakot sa akin? gayong ako ang may pakiramdam ng takot at hiya sa kanya.
napatigilan s'ya sa may pinto. para bang ayaw nang tumuloy nang makitang ako ay nasa sala. nakawala ako sa aking pagkagulat at naibulalas ang mahinang "hi pa." di ko nakayanang ngumiti man lang. tila nanigas ang bawat laman ng aking mukha. tahimik s'yang lumapit sa akin at tiningnan ang monitor. "tinatapos ko lang report ko para bukas." lumingon ako. nakatingin sya sa aking ginagawa. may kung anong dahilan at inihain ko ang aking mukha sa kanya, at may kung anong dahilan na naintindihan n'ya na nais kong humalik. tumungo ang aking tatay at dumampi ang labi ko sa kanyang pisngi. na hindi ko ginawa ng halos dalawang taon. nanikip ang aking didbib ngunit di ako naluha. madaliang tumalikod ako at nagkunwa'y may tiningnan sa monitor. lumayo s'ya at binuksan ang ref, kumuha ng tubig. "susunduin ko lang ang mama mo." ilang sandali pa ay dumating ang aking nanay, at saka sila na'y umalis. iyon na ang huling sandaling nakapiling ko ang aking tatay.
tatlong linggo ang lumipas mula ng gabing 'yon nang dahilan sa init ng ulo, at marahas na pagmamaneho ay sumalpok ang kanyang sasakyan sa may edsa-balintawak. halos dalawang taon. napakadaling makalimot ngunit paano kaya maghihilom?
sa ika-24 ay birthday n'ya sana. unang paskong wala s'ya. ilang buwan pa....mga una na wala na ang aking tatay. sa ngayon, maligayang kaarawan at maligayang pasko.
I still write pretty much about the same old themes as before, but hopefully the quality of writing has improved. Hehe. :) Here's to two years more. Cheers!!!!