we have different poisons of choice you and i. we choose different means to kill ourselves. some slowly, some fast. but all of us have a deathwish of some sort. some choose to wash down self-loathing with alcohol. they bathe in it to wash their sins. some light cigarettes to forget. some pop pills to cure imaginary ills.

at times the yearning for oblivion is so strong. being close to the precipice tempts us to finally let go but killing oneself is difficult. and so we kill ourselves tortuously slow.

Kwentong Kanto

Sa kanto ng isang kalye sa Maynila, dalawang tambay ang nagpapalitan ng kuro-kuro habang umiinom ng samalamig upang maibsan ang init ng panahon. Si tambay A, at tambay B ay kampanteng namamahinga sa tapat ng tindaan ni Aling Nena.

A: Boboto ka ba?
B: Para saan pa?
A: Hindi ka ba nababahala sa kahihinatnan ng bayan natin kung hindi ka boboto?

B: Anong kahihinatnan? Nasa kamay ba ng mga lintek na ‘yan ang kinabukasan mo? Kung ganon, magpapasagasa na lang ako sa riles ng tren.
A: E syempre, nasa kanila ang lahat ng lehitimong awtoridad at kakayanan para patakbuhin ang bansa.

B: Patakbuhin kamo? Patungo saan? Dire-diretso pahulog ng bangin? Sa tingin mo ba, sa ginagawa mong pagmamaneho ng daan-daang pasahero araw-araw, hindi ka nagpapatakbo ng bansa?
A: Alam mo naman ang ibig kong sabihin. Kahit ilang daan pang tao ang ipagmaneho ko araw-araw sa pamamasada, hindi ko naman kayang paunlarin ang bayan.

B: Sa tingin mo ba, sa lahat ng mga pulitikong iyan, ay may isang kayang ituro sa atin ang daan patungo sa kaunlaran?
A: Oo naman, bakit hindi? E di ba, kailangan ng mga taong may alam sa pamamalakad ng ekonomiya? At makaresolba ng samu’t saring problema mayroon tayo ngayon. May alam ka ba sa ganun?

B: Wala. Sa tingin mo ba, si GMA may alam sa ganun? Kahit ba ekonomista sya, hindi sya Diyos.
A: E para saan pa yung pag-aaral nya? Ang alam ko nag-doktor pa yun sa Amerika. Siguro malaki-laki rin ang ginastos nun.

B: Malamang. Baka umabot pa ng milyon. E kung alam nya kung paano paunlarin ang ekonomiya dahil sa economist sya, bakit hindi nya sabihin at simulang gawin? Sa halip na kung anu-anong basura, paninira at intriga ang lumalabas sa administrasyon nya.
A : E syempre, di ba ganyan talaga sa gobyerno ? Maraming siraan, gamitan at garapalang pangungurakot ? Hayaan mo na sila sa ganyan, lahat naman talagang mangungurakot. Basta ba di rin nila malimutan ang talagang trabaho nila.

B: E kung batukan kaya kita? Sa kaiisip kung paano takasan ang mga intriga nya, sa pagpopropaganda nya dahil sa eleksyon, sa tingin mo may oras pa sya, at sampu ng mga tauhan nya, para mag-isip ng “ikau-unlad” ng bayan? At saka namputsa, alam mo ba kung ano yun? Kaunlaran? Nakakain ba yun? Anong kulay nun? Sige nga, sabihin mo sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng salitang yan.

A: Kaunlaran. Kaginhawahan. Kawalan ng kahirapan. E di ba yan ang pangako ng lahat ng tumatakbo kada may eleksyon?
B: Oo nga. “Ako ang sasagot sa problema ng Pilipinas! Ako ang magpapaunlad sa ating lahat!” Namputsa, anong ibig sabihin nun? Kaginhawahan kamo? Kung mumura ang mga bilihin sa palengke, giginhawa tayo. Bakit hindi nila sabihin kung paano nila gagawin yun?

A: At kung hindi mahal ang gasolina, hindi na sana kami mag-iistrike sa Lunes.
B: Tama. Kung hindi tataas ang tuition sa mga eskwela taun-taon, giginhawa ang bulsa ko at mapapag-aral ko ang lahat mga anak ko.

A: Pinapangako naman nila lahat yan a. Sa tuwing kumakandidato sila, di ba yan ang laman ng plataporma nila?
B: Nakarating ka na ba sa mga miting de abanse ngayon? Para kang nanood ng That’s Entertainment. Sige punta tayo, mainam para sa panandaliang aliw. Palaging maraming nagkakantahang artista. Libre pa.

A: Matanda na nga tayo. Wala nang That’s Entertainment ano! Patay na yata si Kuya Germs…
B: Ikaw na lang bumoto. Kailangan pa bang samahan kita? Ang init-init nun. Sayang lang sa panahon.

A: Sasayangin mo ang boto mo. Kung di ka boboto, at 10 iskwater iboboto ang kung sino mang kandidatong mamumudmod ng 500 piso sa lugar nila, di ka ba naaasiwa sa ganun?
B: Hindi. Sa tinagal-tagal nang may eleksyon sa Pilipinas, sa tinagal-tagal na na meron tayong tinatawag na Demokrasya, may nakita ka bang pagbabago? Para ano pang bumoto? Tulad ng pagbabayad ng buwis, parang ipinapasa-Diyos mo ang balota…hindi mo alam kung makakarating sa dapat paroonan. Tataya na lang ako sa lotto.

En Nous Cherchant

J’ai de la chance. Je suis née dans cette période de l’histoire de l’histoire de notre pays, un siècle après des luttes créaient des héros, un siècle après la patrie a obtenu son indépendance. Je suis partie de la génération qui est libre pour diriger sa propre direction. Mais aussi, je suis de la génération perdue, dont l’identité est déchirée par le passé et dont l’avenir n’est pas encore déterminé.

Ma génération est un produit de quatre cent ans d’obscurité pendant lesquels tous ceux que mes ancêtres croyaient étaient effacés par leurs vainqueurs. Leur façon de vivre, leur culture et inévitablement leur identité étaient remplacées par celles des Espagnols et des Américains.

Qu’est-ce qu’on sait de notre culture pré coloniale ? Rien ? Presque rien ? Comment s’identifie-on au passé perdu ? Comblant le vide, nos colonisateurs ont inculqué leur propre culture, leurs goûts, leur religion, même leurs défauts. Est-ce que vous pouvez imaginer passer quatre cents ans en apprenant votre infériorité ? Ces colonisateurs étaient tellement convaincants que nous les croyons jusqu’à présent.

D’ailleurs, je ne me suis pas rendue compte que c’est vraiment difficile de penser en une autre langue. Il y a un éloignement entre mes mots et mes pensées. Ironiquement, les mots formant et animant les images dans ma tête sont en anglais. Est-ce à cause de l’éducation imposée par les Américains ? Cette institution qui nous dirige de l’enfance a l’âge adulte, qui forme nos personnalités, nos croyances et nos idéologies est une institution étrangère, empruntée de nos colonisateurs.

Même ceux qui n’ont pas eu la chance d’avoir des études cherchent leur avenir ailleurs. Quitter les Philippines, c’est toujours la solution pour tous les problèmes. En fait, le nombre approximatif des Philippins habitant et travaillant à l’étranger est plus de dix millions. À mon avis, le nombre continuera d’augmenter face aux réalités économiques, le manque d’opportunités, le phénomène de mondialisation et un président imbécile.

Par conséquent, je me sens que les jeunes d ‘aujourd’hui manque une sorte d’appartenance. Peut-être ils manquent un but qui les unit. Chacun a ses propres préoccupations qui sont à l’écart de la notion de la patrie. Il n’y a plus d’ennemis communs qui nous rappellent notre identité commune, nos luttes communes. Il n’y a plus d’Espagnols. Il n’y a plus de révolutions et de guerres. Les manifestations contre la loi martiale sont finies longtemps.

Oui, les conséquences de l’histoire restant sur nos épaules sont tellement lourdes qu’il semble difficile de récupérer. Des problèmes actuels s’ajoutent encore. Je dépeins une image désespérée mais ce n’est pas à nous de nous plaindre.

L’obscurité est terminée. Est-ce qu’on est vraiment perdu ou juste confus ? Ne perdons pas le temps en nous cherchant. Commençons les changements pour vraiment libérer la patrie aujourd’hui.

The Passion of the Christ: How To Make Tocino

This was the film I've been most eager to see for the last few months. It was supposed to be "life-changing," an "unforgettable experience," "faith renewing." And I was curious about all the furor it has created in the US. The charges of anti-semitism was a bit exaggerated. And all the raves about this film was exaggerated too.

I left the movie house, not with a renewed faith, but a renewed disgust. First, did we really need to see all that gore? After the initial flagellation, I think the point was made loud and clear. But Mel Gibson had to make his point again and again and again. If his strategy was to bring his audience to the breaking point right along with the torture happening on the screen, well he did that. The audience is made to sit through relentless torture and made to experience vicarious pain to the point of numbness. And it is numbing after an hour or so.

Actually, after the flagellation I thought, that has to be the worst part. But noooo. It gets worse. By the time Jesus is hauled off...I couldn't wait for the film to finish. Each agonizing moment is prolooonged by dramatic slow-mo. The film is overlong, probably because of this. If the film makers' point was to chasten us viewers of our sins and how much Jesus loved us and sacrificed so much for us, well, I think they missed the mark. What this film does is to make people ever more cynical of other people. After all this time, nothing has really changed. And Christ really died for nothing. I don't really need to recount the specifics of how so many have suffered in the name of Christianity. The 2 thousand year-old Christian history is testament to that.

Anyway, If you want to see the movie because you want to experience a religious awakening, you'll be disappointed. Its a movie. And no, you won't be entertained. You'll be disturbed and you'll walk out the theater arguing with whoever it is you came to watch it with.

The moral of the gory story:

1. Jesus must've been an incredibly dangerous element if all that fanfare was necessary to get rid of him. It was almost like a show. To warn off other potential dissidents (other followers of JC) from making any more claims that Jesus was indeed King of the Jews. There were political undertones shown in the movie. Something we weren't taught in our Catholic schools. Ok, so other than a cult-leader, JC may have also been a potential revolutionary. Claiming he was King of all Jewish people definitely scared off the high priests. He was disturbing the social order and status quo. Maybe the Roman Governor even recognized the potential for a revolt against the Roman imperial occupation should Jesus continue gaining mass-following.

In that scene where the governor and Jesus spoke, the governor addressed JC in aramaic and JC responded in latin. Then they continued to converse in latin. I wonder...if indeed that was true, and JC did learn latin...what for? Makes you wonder huh? *conspiracy theories*

2. Roman soldiers must be inhuman. Actually, any kind of soldier, at any time in history, must be made inhuman. I suppose its necessary. One wonders if those Romans suffered from any kind of psychological disorder after. Like Vietnam and Gulf War veterans.

3. Jews are fucked. Yep, other than bearing the infamous guilt of having Christ killed, they now bear the guilt of being the reason why Palestinians are oppressed and killed. Actually, we could say they bear the guilt of being the main reason why the Middle East remains conflict-ridden for the last 40 years.

4. Men make all the mess and women clean up after.

5. Single moms rock. Does anyone know what in the heck happened to Joseph?

6. Satan is freaky. Damn that man/woman was scary as hell (pun intended). So is Judas by the way. Yikes...the monster..the rotting cow...the devil-children....Yikes!

7. Takes an incredibly long time for a person to die. Also, how much blood do humans have exactly? 10 liters? More?

The film had some good points. The acting was superb. At a $25 million budget, one wonders how much these actors got paid. Probably not the usual going rate. Maia Morgenstern, who played Mary, was incredible. Oh, And I thought the redeeming moment from all the guts and gore was the scene where Mary comes to the aid of her son. I cried in that scene.

Whoever thought of making JC's eyes that shade was a genius. And casting Caviezel made all the difference. Now I can't imagine any other hollywood actor that could fit the role. The single drop of rain at the very end was cool too. Is it in the bible though, that there was an earthquake? I can't seem to remember.

All in all I would recommend seeing the film, if only to get people thinking. No, you wont enjoy it and most likely it will disturb your Christian sensibilities. Nope, don't make the mistake of letting kids see it. They will have nightmares.

my maid has left me. i suppose she's going back to the province. back to being a sacred space, the apartment is all my own again. although this means cleaning up after myself and doing all the house chores...i feel curiously free....