fucked up dream last night. i swear my mind and soul must be doing battle with evil. or it just mirrors my crisis in my faith. i went to mass sunday morning. the first time in about a year. i went alone and i cant say it was one of my best ones ever. i suppose the healing feeling will come in due time. i cant expect it to return asap.

then this morning i dreamt of the devil. my brother was possessed and he was in this house. across from it was a church. me and some of my friends went in to look for a rosary. it was late at night, and i was relieved it was open. there were seminarians and a priest. we sat down on the pews and started praying the apostle's creed. then this absolutely terrifying, deep, inhuman voice joined in with us. then something started stroking my head and neck. then i woke up. it wasn't a dream. more like a nightmare ! :-/

i remember thinking, if there's a devil, then there must be a god right?

i know i haven't blogged in a while. i've been too busy cramming to finish my papers and study for finals. it's been hell to say the least. i'm up to four sticks of gudang a day. not to mention all the caffeine i've been drowning my system with lately. i am tired. i am TIRED as hell. i wish i had another me. i will blog again as soon as my brain starts working. no new updates. other than i am so fucking bored with my life for the moment. buried up to here *points at her throat* with work work work. haaay. somebody shoot me. i need a vacation. i need to go to the beach. and i need to stop smoking.

even more text messages from him today:

1. asking me where he can find chuck palahniuk books. detailed directions to bookstores, etc.

2. telling me what he cooked for dinner, and how to make it.

3. asking me if i know about this certain grad course at UP.

haaaaaaaaaaay. what the fuck is happening here?!?

there is a cricket in my car. it's been there since friday night. im not particularly annoyed by the continuous crickety sounds it makes...i just marvel at how its still alive! what is it eating under my hood?!? how can it stand the heat?!? im wondering if its...really a cricket...or something else :-/ i suppose it can survive since theres theres bits and pieces of food in there somewhere. crumbs, leftover stuff...who know's whats in there?? theres so much crap in my car its a wonder i can find anything.

i finally bought a notebook! courtesy of my mother of course. i feel so diyahe asking her for the money. but i intend to pay her back by shouldering more expenses. anyway, they'll deliver it tomorrow! i can't wait! :) im turning out to be a pseudo-techie-geek. hehehe...but i luuuuuuuuurve it.

this blog is a sanctuary. it helps to keep me sane. when i have no one to talk to, i write to release pent up emotions. so its not surprising im almost always angry when i write. thats what personal blogs are usually for. to write about one's deepest thoughts and emotions not usually expressed in real life.

i shouldn't have to explain myself. i shouldn't have to explain what this blog is for. some people seem to make judgements about me based on what they read. if u do make them, why not keep it to yourself? jesus. who do u think u are? this is my personal space. if u dont like what u read, then dont.