Tuesday, August 12, 2003

10 Things I Hate About Funerals

10. funeral parlor agents -- your father is there lying dead in the morgue. even before you're fully coherent of what has happened, like buzzards...funeral parlor agents await you outside, waiting to pounce on you while your guard is down. if u do not have the presence of mind, u'd be robbed of 300,000 pesos on an impersonal funeral service. vultures living off of the dead.

9. mmda rescue team-- first off, they take forever to 'rescue' the victim from the mangled car. so long in fact, the victim doesn't make it to the hospital. second, the fuckers steal all the victim's valuables and money. only in the philippines.

8. bystanders/'witnesses' to nothing-- stupid morons couldn't even take down 3 letters and 3 numbers of a red car. too busy
ogling people inside smashed car. and contemplating how they'll be able to steal from the victims. at least they didn't take my mom's credit cards.

7. capitol medical center clerks in 'admissions'-- they hear you wailing your lungs out. you learn of your father's death. and what do they do?? they continue jabbering on on the phone like insenstive mongrels that they are.

6. money-grubbing relatives-- no decency whatsover. they suck you dry while you'r busy thinking about the specifics of the wake, the legal/paper work, how to feed people, your mother in the hospital. they blindside you....and take as much as they can while you're not thinking clearly. blood is so fucking thick it congeals.

5. maniac priest of sto. domingo church-- theres the dead lying there father, what the fuck are you doing manhandling me and one of my titas?

4. walang hiya former friends of my mom-- there for the spectacle, waiting to see a show. as in, my father's mistress showing up and making a scene in the wake. then they go and harass my mom when she's finally discharged from the hospital. they have the gall to show their faces, act contrite, and expect to be catered to by my mom who's obviously not in any condition to do so. fuckers. dipshits.

3. insensitive highschool classmates-- obviously tactless to ask 'o, ok ka na?' hello. my father just died. stupid. and then they
go on jabbering about beauty pageants and beauty contestants. and then jabber some more while a mass is going on. stupid fucks. who asked you to come anyway?

2. worrying about what to feed people, and how to 'entertain' them-- this has got to be the only country where people come
to wakes at all hours of day/night. dont they have specific veiwing hours in other countries? we have got to rest for crying out loud! and then they come and expect to be catered to like we're hosting a party or something. it is a wake. somebody died. DEAD. as in not coming back. do not expect to be fed red ribbon pastries along with your orange juice.

1. the man lying in the casket is my father.

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